So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
