I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
a search helicopter?!
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
