i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
