I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
