she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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