: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
