I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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