Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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