It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
