Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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