dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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