I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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