As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
