new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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