Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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