I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I showed him my bush... on skype.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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