guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
