i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
