Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize