She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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