nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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