i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
