so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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