I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
