My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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