The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
