Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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