Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
