I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
