am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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