So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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