I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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