all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
