My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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