Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
