My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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