omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Randomize