Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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