So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
