You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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