Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
party gras won. party gras always wins.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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