Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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