the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
