i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my sisters under your porch take her home
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
