Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
