he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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