Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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