i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
