My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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