his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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