just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
