i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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