Don't make out with my wife yet
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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