I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
