lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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