my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
