My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize