Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
